Tuesday, April 13, 2021

Everyday, All day

Dear Robert, 

The reality is settling in. You aren't going to walk through the door. You won't be visiting me in Vermont. All the plans we discussed will not happen. I will not hold you in my arms and tell you I love you. No more inside jokes, or looks of understanding. We didn't need words, we just knew. I'm happy to report, no regrets. You know how much I love you, and felt your love as well. We had a great relationship at the end. I wish it could have lasted longer. I did take for granted the belief we would grow old and reminisce on our youth.

Dude, you would be overwhelmed, as I have been, with the love. You are LOVED. The same things keep coming up too. You are joy, sweetness, loving, funny, supportive and intelligent. Of course, you are more than that. We know you weren't perfect and that doesn't change that fact you were fucking awesome. I don't think you realized that. I wish you saw yourself the way I saw you. You often presented confidence, even though you were often insecure. I know you were in pain, the kind others couldn't see but was clear to me.

I keep wondering what I'm supposed to do... if I should be doing something differently. I know you would want me to continue being me. You were so proud of me, thank you for telling me that so many times. It somehow feels weird that I get to go on... without you. I get to be happy, because you would want that for me. I will do my best, but you are gone, so my happiness will always be bittersweet.

I will end this with gratitude and a promise. Thank you for being my big brother, my protector, a teacher, and loving support. I'm thankful for all the things about you I will miss, your smile, laugh, hilarious accents, and jokes. I will hold on to the memories that we created. My promise to you is to be the best aunt I can possibly be to your incredible daughter. I will share your stories with her. I promise to look out for her. I promise I will keep an eye on our little mama and the viejo.

With all my love, everday, all day,

Robert's Little Sister